Attachment Theory - How Our Attachment Styles Affect Us Even As Adults

Written by: Lee Xin Xuan & Stacey Lim

There is no doubt that our childhood experiences and the way we grow up affect who we are today, but how about our attachment to our parents? According to John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, as well as Hazen and Shaver, our attachment to our parents indeed plays a role in how we turn out as kids and as adults.

Attachment theory was developed to understand the bond between parents and their children as well as how this parent-child attachment affects the child. These attachment styles can also be applied to a primary caregiver’s bond with a child. Read on and discover the various attachment styles developed over the years. There are a total of four attachment styles – Secure, Anxious-preoccupied, Dismissive-avoidant, and Fearful-avoidant.

Secure

Individuals with a secure attachment style have strong parent-child bonds. This is achieved by parents paying attention to their children when they are young, providing a safe space for them, and responding to their needs. As having a secure attachment style represents a healthy relationship between parents and their child, it often results in the children developing a secure attachment style as adults. These secure attachment styles often reflect in one’s interpersonal relations as well. Adults with a secure attachment style often have high self-concepts and view others in a positive light. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, it is also easier for these individuals to have a balance between intimacy and independence. To put it simply, they are not overly distant or clingy with their loved ones.

Anxious-preoccupied

Those with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles have weaker bonds with their parents when they were young. Parents are often stressed and preoccupied, attending to their children lesser than they should. As the parents are distracted and do not pay as much attention to their child, the child may begin to feel insecure as they realise that they are not the main focus of their parents. As they grow up, they become unsure of the difference between good and bad due to the lack of warmth, care, intimacy, security and consistency from their parents. They may engage in more impulsive behaviours as a way method of trying to gain attention. These individuals grow up to have insecure-ambivalent attachment styles as adults. This insecure-ambivalent attachment soon becomes prominent in their interpersonal relationships. These individuals seek intimacy, approval and responsiveness from others. They are often clingy, overly dependent, expressive, and are often worried. The inconsistency and lack of intimacy during their childhood also lead these individuals to be less trusting of others.

Dismissive-avoidant

Children with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style have weaker bonds with their parents. These parents either do not have time for their kids or try to avoid and dismiss their kids. Some parents even ask their kids to go away. These kids will crave attention but mimic their parents at the same time, avoiding others. When they grow up, they develop an insecure-avoidant attachment style as adults. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, these insecure-avoidant individuals tend to not think of their partners as much, are highly independent, are distant and choose to avoid affection and attachment. They also tend to suppress their feelings and have poor views of their partners.

Fearful-avoidant

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style as a kid also have weak bonds with their parents. They are raised with no particular system as parents are afraid of everything, with no confidence to solve everyday challenges. The child learns from this and thus also lacks the ability to solve issues, becoming disoriented. In most cases, the child craves intimacy and closeness. Yet, they are afraid that they might not be doing the right thing, so they don’t try to build their relationships with others as much. As they grow up, these children develop disorganized or disoriented attachment styles as adults. These individuals have mixed feelings about closeness. Even though they crave intimacy, they feel uncomfortable when they have it. They also seek less intimacy, see themselves as unworthy and often lack trust for their partners as well as suppress their feelings.

Having a secure attachment style may be seen as an ideal, but not everyone may develop this particular attachment style when they were kids. Did any of these attachment styles resonate with you? Check out our other blogs to find out more about how understanding your attachment styles could help you better your interpersonal relationships.