The Art of The Flirt

Written by: Lee Xin Xuan

The Art of the Flirt

The underlying intent behind the art of flirting is both straightforward and practical. That is, people flirt to garner attention from others. Flirting takes form in various verbal and nonverbal behaviours. However, a universal one has been identified by American psychologist Paul Ekman. According to Ekman, the most common method of flirting is the flirtatious smile. This flirtatious smile occurs when the flirter smiles without first looking at their target. They will then shift their gaze slowly towards their target so that they are now making direct eye contact. To play hard to get, the flirter will then look away immediately.

Flirting is a scientific and physiological process as a neural circuit in the body is ignited during the process. When the flirter makes eye contact with their target, the brain activates the dopamine circuit to emit feelings of pleasure. Additionally, when a couple falls in love, they become addicted to each other (even if it's for a short while) to produce feelings of serenity. That is, the opioid system in the body is activated when people are connected to those they love.

Like any other scientific process then, flirting occurs in stages:

Stage 1: NOTICE ME!

This is the initial stage of the courtship where the flirter first gets physically attracted to their target. They will engage in flirtatious smiling, hoping that their target will notice. They will also engage in various forms of attention seeking behaviour such as talking animatedly in a high-pitched voice and making exaggerated gestures.

Stage 2: GET TO KNOW ME!

The next stage of the courtship would be to make conversations with their target. Here, the flirter can gauge their target's warmth, responsiveness and reciprocity. This can help them determine whether or not they would want to be further and more intensely attached to their targets.

Stage 3: LOVE ME!

The last stage occurs when flirters decide that they would like further engagement with their targets. It is the stage where simple attraction is transitioned into feelings of romantic longings. Here, partners are much more comfortable and intimate with each other. This can be seen through acts like fond gazes, cuddling and nuzzling.

Flirting behaviours: gender and personality

Flirting behaviours are prevalent amongst the younger people, especially among the male population. (Sharma et al., 2021). There is no significant difference between the flirting patterns between both genders except for one. Males flirt with a desire to increase sexual interaction. (Sharma et al., 2021). Many females look to form long-term relationships and are therefore more defensive during relationship initiation. As such, they tend to take on the role of sexual gatekeepers. (Clark et al., 2021). Other than that, both genders are actually motivated by motivational needs when engaging in flirting. These include things like the desire for physical intimacy, achieving a feel-good factor, and enhancing their self-image. Flirting can also be purely instrumental - to benefit from the relationship. (Sharma et al., 2021).

An individual's personality also plays a huge role when it comes to flirting. 4 main personality traits have been identified to explain whether or not one would engage in flirting and its extent. (Back et al., 2010). Extraversion, as to how outgoing and open one is to seeking contact with others. Sociosexuality, as to how flirtatious one is towards opposite-sex strangers. Perceived mate value, as to the degree to which one believes they are valuable and good enough as a potential mate for others. And shyness, as to how unwilling one is to engage in social interactions and form new relationships. Those who rank highly for the first 3 traits and lowly for the last trait are more likely to engage in flirting. (Back et al., 2010).

Additionally, flirters tend to be negatively related to conscientiousness. Though they tend to be emotionally expressive and outgoing, they often have a lack of concern for others. (Sharma et al., 2021).

References

Weger, H., & Emmett, M. C. (2009). Romantic intent, relationship uncertainty, and relationship maintenance in young adults’ cross-sex friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(6–7), 964–988. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509347937

Sharma, M., Chaturvedi, S., & Ganjekar, S. (2021). Constructing the understanding of emerging clinical entity of flirtatious personality. Taiwanese Journal of Psychiatry, 35(1), 40. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A656640490/AONE?u=sunybuff_main&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=87df2416

Clark, J., Oswald, F., & Pedersen, C. L. (2021). Flirting with Gender: The Complexity of Gender in Flirting Behavior. Sexuality and Culture, 25(5), 1690+. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A674297563/HRCA?u=sunybuff_main&sid=bookmark-HRCA&xid=dd7cc8cc

Back, M.D., Penke, L., Schmukle, S.C., Sachse, K., Borkenau, P. and Asendorpf, J.B. (2011), Why mate choices are not as reciprocal as we assume: The role of personality, flirting and physical attractiveness. Eur. J. Pers., 25: 120-132. https://doi-org.gate.lib.buffalo.edu/10.1002/per.806