Written by: Valerie Soon
Signs of a Toxic Friend
A toxic friendship is defined as when an individual is emotionally mistreated by another, making the relationship more of a burden than support (Degges-White, 2015). Toxic friendships often feel exhausting, frustrating, and disappointing. It may even seem as if the entire dynamic is one-sided in some instances. An example would be when one is overly dependent on another for validation or comfort and exhibits attention-seeking behaviours.
In healthy friendships, both parties respect and support one another mutually. There is an inherent sense of trust between them, and they seek to be loving and generous with their time and resources. Conversely, there tends to be a lot of anxiety, sadness, and stress in toxic friendships (Heitler, 2016). Toxic friends often present themselves as selfish and challenging. They may also grapple with effective communication and turn aggressive, passive-aggressive, or dismissive when they do not get their way (Artz and Fuller, 2022). Typically, the hallmark of a toxic friendship is a friend who is not accountable for the way they treat you and will apologize in a way that does not acknowledge their hurtful behaviour (Merinuk, 2022). For instance, they may buy you a drink instead of apologizing for their behaviour and taking actionable steps to change it.
Another indicator of a toxic friendship is if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe; suppose a friend is incessantly critical, attempting to change who you are by giving unsolicited advice or making scornful remarks that disparage you (Mazella, 2022). Additionally, toxic friends also tend to instigate drama regularly. Hence, if you constantly feel vexed, disdained, or guilty when spending time with a particular friend, these feelings are symbolic of a toxic friendship.
The Next Step Forward
When a friendship does not feel right, it is essential to take a step back. This action does not necessarily spell the end of the friendship; on the contrary, taking a break can provide clarity. Once you have taken some time apart, engaging in an honest and open conversation with that particular friend might be beneficial. Admittedly, these types of conversations can be uncomfortable. However, if both parties actively listen, they would be able to understand each other’s perspectives and thus move forward with the friendship in a healthy manner. It is crucial for you to be honest about the boundaries you need to feel safe in the friendship, make it clear that you will not accept certain behaviours, and if that friend continues to treat you in the same way, it is time to take a more permanent step back from the friendship. Ultimately, friendships should make you a better version of yourself - not bring you down. You deserve healthy, fulfilling friendships that do not leave you feeling fearful or anxious. Leaving a toxic friendship, while painful, can be empowering in the long run — and is vital for your mental and emotional well-being.
References
Choosing Therapy. (2022, April 4). Toxic Friends: 13 Signs of a Toxic Friendship. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-friends/
Degges-White, S., & Tieghem, V. J. P. (2015). Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them (First Edition). Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
Heitler, S. (2016, March 25). 8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/8-signs-toxic-friendship
Merinuk, M. (2022, February 18). 6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship. TODAY.Com. https://www.today.com/health/behavior/toxic-friendship-warning-signs-rcna16665
Psycom.net. (2022, February 1). Toxic Friends: Signs You’re in A Toxic Friendship & What to Do. Psycom.Net - Mental Health Treatment Resource Since 1996. https://www.psycom.net/relationships/toxic-friendship-signs
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